The only good thing about encountering a narcissist is that, once you’ve tangled with one, you can spot the next narcissist’s playbook a mile away. Why? Because they are pretty much all the same. The narcissist’s playbook consists of several distinct steps:
- Lovebombing the chosen victim, including isolating them from friends and family;
- Devaluing/denigrating/criticizing the victim, often instigating drama and discord, and when called out on it, using a technique called DARVO: Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender;
- Discarding the victim (but usually not until the narcissist has extracted everything they can from the victim, and another, better victim comes along).
Sometimes, a person who is raised by a narcissist (or someone with narcissistic tendencies) becomes a compulsive people pleaser, falling victim to a narcissist later in life (in a relationship, or at work, or elsewhere in their lives). Often, it is only via therapy that the victim realizes the pattern—and can identify some of their own narcissistic thinking patterns (one of mine was, “if I am perfect, I can get everything I want.”) Compulsive people pleasers often have no real sense of who they are until some sort of crisis hits, forcing them to confront the fact that they have twisted themselves out of shape to keep someone else happy. And it’s a pattern that tends to repeat until you identify it, learn the lesson(s), and correct it.
You might think that a narcissist loves you, but you would be wrong. A narcissist loves nobody but themselves. Actually, that’s not true. They don’t even love themselves, but they would rather die than admit that. They are hollow, shallow, envy-and-hate-riddled people, who sow chaos and discord and wreak havoc in families, businesses, communities, and even entire countries (often while proclaiming themselves as perfect and blameless). It’s never the narcissist’s fault; it’s always YOU (remember, DARVO).
Narcissists cannot be cured, because they refuse to see themselves as the problem. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to cut them out of your life, and grey rock them (i.e. minimize or eliminate engagement; don’t give them any bait). This tends to drive the narcissist crazy, because they no longer feel that they can control you, so they might redouble their efforts. Resist anyway. Rebuild support elsewhere, accept that the narcissist cannot change, and prioritize your own good self-care.
Unfortunately, that might also mean cutting out whoever the current victim is, as well, as long as they are still under the narcissist’s spell, breathing the same air as the narcissist, agreeing with everything they say, and living within the resulting reality distortion field. You might not be able to help them, but you can save yourself. Cut them off. Maybe they will eventually see sense (unfortunately, usually not until after they have been discarded and can see the situation with clarity).
You might ask how I know all this. And I will tell you this: I know it because I lived it, and once you learn how a narcissist operates, and learn from it, you can spot the next one a light-year away, because the playbook is always the same.
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
—The Narcissist’s Prayer
I wrote this blog post because this evening I saw a film at Winnipeg’s 2SLGBTQIA+ film festival, Reel Pride, called Solo (2023, directed by Sophie Dupuis; Canadian, French with English subtitles).
It’s a film about drag queens, but it’s really a story about how a young man slowly realizes (without putting it into words) that that there are two narcissists in his life: his boyfriend, and his mother. It’s a good film, and I can recommend it, even though I found myself so triggered by it that I skipped the second film, drove home, and wrote this blog post. Watching it dragged up some deeply unpleasant memories.
There’s lots of books out there about narcissists and narcissism. Go educate yourself (preferably before you encounter one). Start by learning about the Dark Triad (honestly, they should be teaching this shit in school). Oh, and our current social media hellscape is probably encouraging even more narcissism and other Dark Triad behaviour.