The very first thing I did was download and install the platform that inspired me to get into virtual reality in the first place: Sansar. I first joined Sansar in December 2016/January 2017 as part of a closed creator alpha/beta test of the then-still-in-development social VR platform. We were not allowed to post publicly about it until the official open creator beta launch on July 31st, 2017, which is when this blog was started. (Formerly known as the Sansar Newsblog, this blog was renamed to just RyanSchultz.com as I started to write about more than just Sansar.)
For me, I had not been back to visit Sansar in about two years, by my reckoning. My avatar still looked pretty much the same (although for some reason he had lost his shoes, making me rummage though his voluminous inventory of clothing to find some suitable footwear!).
The new starting point for all avatars is the incredible Sansar amusement park:
I tried out a couple of the rides, and I even jumped on the Hovercoaster, which takes you all over the park, and even underwater, before depositing you back where you started. It was like I had never left.
After my visit to Sansar Park, I went back to the world that I had created nine years ago, Ryan’s Garden, which was still as I remembered it, including this working carousel:
I did take a bit of video, but it’s hard to hear the sound of the carousel as clearly as you can when in-world:
As amazing as it is to me that Sansar still exists after nine years (being run by what I assume is a team of volunteer labour), I did still notice a few bugs here and there. For example, filtering and keyword searching on the online marketplace (while in-world) did not seem to be working for me (however the website store seems to work fine). The men’s parrot T-shirt I created using Marvelous Designer is still up on the marketplace, for sale for 100 Sansar dollars:
But overall, the Sansar experience is the same as I remember. It’s good to be back. (And hey, I discovered I have over 4,000 Sansar dollars in my wallet! Time for a shopping spree? 😉)
I do notice that there really aren’t a lot of events taking place on the platform, compared to the old days, but it’s still nice to see that there are still some regularly scheduled times and places for avatars to meet up (even what appears to be a continuation of our weekly exploring as a group!):
I still do need to reinstall all the platforms and apps I had before (VRChat, etc.), but it’s a HUGE step forward for me as I begin to work on the metaverse textbook I am researching and writing during my 12-month research and study leave from the University of Manitoba. I also haven taken home my Meta Quest 3 virtual/augmented reality headset from work, so I will be able to use both as needed to visit the various social VR platforms I plan to write about.
Anyways, that’s the update for today. I’ve already started work on researching and writing my OER metaverse textbook, hooray!!
With special thanks to Vassay for helping me get back into Sansar, when I had trouble logging into my old account.Slava Ukraini! 🇺🇦
I forget exactly how or when I found this piece of Heated Rivalry fan art, but I love it.
Hollanov is the name of the ship (relationship) between Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. It’s shorthand which covers all the fan-created works inspired by the hit television series Heated Rivalry, based on the Game Changers series of gay hockey romance novels by Rachel Reid.
And so it was, that my Second Life freebie fashionista friend and partner in crime, whom I only know by their avatar name, Dreamer Pixelmaid, messaged me via Discord and asked me if I had watched Heated Rivalry yet. I had not. (Tonight I am finishing my second rewatch. I am hooked.)
…
It turns out that Dreamer and I not only have a shared interest in ferreting out fabulous Second Life freebies and bargains (something we both happen to be very good at!); we also shared an interest in same-sex romance fan fiction! Soon we were exchanging links to YouTube videos, Tumblr posts, and podcast links, all to do with the outsized reaction which a small Canadian TV show about a gay romance in the professional hockey world (actually, not one but two such romances) was causing, both among the gays and the straights.
Here is a zoom-out of all the pictures stored in the Photo Library on my iPad. Ever since Dreamer Pixelmaid told me about Heated Rivalry in late December 2025, 99.99% of my saved pictures are Hollanov fan art! I am legitimately obsessed.
In addition to fan art and fan fiction, there are many people who create fan-edited compilations of scenes from the television show. These video artists usually set their fan videos to music, but in the following example (one I love to rewatch), the fan-edit was made to a spoken-word poem by actress Helena Bonham Carter.
Source: Wild Geese by Mary Oliver (read by Helena Bonham Carter) Fan-edit created by heated-rivalry-two-souls (posted to Tumblr)
Wild geese
You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over announcing your place in the family of things.
As to why a gay hockey TV show has led to this level of obsession, a social psychologist tries to explain, in a more scientific way, why Heated Rivalry has had such an impact (10-minute YouTube video; she also has a whole channel diving into other aspects of the show from a social psychology perspective):
Well, as you might already know, I have been using my 19 years of experience in creating and styling avatars to create Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov avatars in the virtual world of Second Life. I wrote about an earlier version of them back in January, but since then, I have been able to obtain much better head skins for both Shane and Ilya, and I have been tinkering around with the face and body sliders a bit more, so now they look like this:
And here are some pictures and videos I have taken of them in the past few months:
The cuddle animation in this video is from the Dutchie sofa (worth every Linden dollar spent!)
This tender animation is from the menu of options on this bed from Dutchie.
My most recent Hollanov creation in SL is the following work-in-progress video (silent, 1:14), in which I show various skating animations from two different AOs. Unfortunately, I still cannot seem to find any kind of hockey jersey that fits well over these hockey pants from Meva (the only ones I could find on the entire grid and in the Second Life Marketplace). So we have a topless Ilya skating around (I’m quite sure this is a sexual fantasy of Shane’s in some Heated Rivalry fanfic I have yet to read!).
Ladies, gentlemen, and fabulus people of all genders—Ilya Rozanov on ice!
UPDATE August 14th, 2026: I found a set of static hockey poses with a hockey stick on the Second Life Marketplace, and I took some more pictures of Ilya Rozanov at the Brooks Arena within the Chamonix City Winter Sports Complex. I probably will need to recruit some more avatars to actually create a believable hockey scene with multiple players, but hey, it’s a start! POSE AND ANIMATION DESIGNERS: Season two of Heated Rivalry will be released starting April 2027. Please pleaseplease make some hockey poses and animations! There is next to nothing out there. This was the only set of hockey poses I could find on the SL Marketplace. Thanks!
I have been posting these pictures and videos to Primfeed (the Twitter of Second Life), as well as to four different Hollanov fan Discord servers of which I am a member. And I even resurrected my ancient, long-dormant Tumblr account to be able to post them to the thriving 31,000-member Hollanov community there:
Below is an example post of my Shane and Ilya Second Life pictures to the Hollanov community on Tumblr
Of course, the Hollanov fans (who call themselves “loons,” IYKYK) know next-to-nothing about Second Life, and many of the SL folks, who have not watched Heated Rivalry or read the books, are probably mystified as to why I am so often posting shots of these two fictional hockey players to my Primfeed. What can I say? My two obsessions have collided. I might need to create a very niche, very specialized 12-step group for myself… 😜
So, now you know how I have been keeping myself busy when I have been feeling anxious and overwhelmed and need an escape: enjoying Hollanov fan fiction, fan art, and fan-made music videos, and busy dressing, posing and taking pictures and videos of my Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov avatars! It’s been a blessed escape to enjoy other HR fans’ works, or to get lost in the creative flow of Second Life for an hour or two.
Thank you to Rachel Reid for writing the series of novels, and thanks to Jacob Tierney for making such a wonderful TV show from Rachel’s books. Heated Rivalry has inspired me to move forward in so many areas of my life. I’m so grateful for the push it has given me!
UPDATE 4:15 p.m. August 7th, 2026: I’ve been asked to provide the full styling credits for both the Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander avatars (please note that this is an update from my January blog post about them, before I bought new head skins for both):
Ilya Rozanov Styling Credits:
Head, Eyes, and Hairbase: LeLutka Kris head (a freebie from a previous LeLutka December event)
Head Skin: Ilya by Stray Dog (matches Velour’s Ivory skin tone)
Neck Moles: Izzie’s neck moles (medium)
Hair: WingsDG ER0714 brown pack (this was probably the hardest thing to find; I tested out a lot of hair at a LOT of different places before deciding this one came closest to Ilya’s shaggy, curly hair! I actually added the same hairstyle twice, and slightly rotated the second one, to get this look.) Underneath I have the BoM LeLutka EvoX hairbase 42 from the LeLutka head package.
Body: Meshbody Legacy Special Edition Basic (free, from the Avatar Welcome Pack)
Body Skin and Hair: Velour Picasso Homme fit figure body skin in Ivory skin tone (along with the chest, leg, and happy trail body hair and body moles included in the package; all body hair was tinted blond to match Ilya’s hair).
Arm Hair: Arm Hair 05 from Samurai (I bought this for free using free Samurai store credit from a previous Shop and Hop event; also tinted blond to match the rest of the body hair)
Fingernails: Purec Nature Nails Male (free group gift; group is free to join; they come with a fingernail alpha)
Toenails: Purec Nature Nails Male (free group gift; group is free to join; they come with a toenail alpha)
Shape: My own, playing with the face, head, and body sliders to match up with internet pictures of Ilya Rozanov/Connor Storrie (still somewhat a work-in-progress, although I am very happy with this result).
Animation Overide: Tuty’s sLIFE Free Male AO (free)
Shorts: Hardcore (HD003ST) Men’s Slim Fit Shorts in black (I bought this for free using free Hardcore store credit from a previous Shop and Hop event)
Black Underwear: Hardcore (HD013BS) Men’s Basic Briefs in black (I bought this for free using free Hardcore store credit from a previous Shop and Hop event)
Hockey Gear for Video: Meva’s Hockey Pants Complete (these only come in the Signature Gianni size, but with alphas they fit well). I had to create a BoM/underwear layer grey wool sock to cover some bare skin above the skates.The skates were bought from a gacha reseller, they are from the Winter Hockey gacha by Sese & PA and you’ll need to find a good ankle lock to use with them, as well as foot and fingernail alphas! There’s no skating AO that comes with them, so I am trying to cobble something together myself from other skating AOs I can find…still a work in progress! Somebody please make a hockey AO, you’ll make a killing once season two of Heated Rivalry hits!
Shane Hollander Styling Credits:
Head: LeLutka Gen head 4.0 (while there’s a free Gen Lite version in the Avatar Welcome pack, I bought the full-price version to use the facial animations and poses in the HUD)
Head Skin: Shane skin by OuterNaked (matches Velour’s Idol skin tone; includes the optional, tintable freckles shown in these pictures)
Eyes: Florest eyes from Alexandrite
Hair: Jack hairstyle by ADE (free group gift; group is free to join). Underneath I have the BoM LeLutka EvoX hairbase 49 from the LeLutka head package, tinted a darker black.
Body: Meshbody Legacy Special Edition Basic (free, from the Avatar Welcome Pack)
Body Skin: Velour Picasso Homme fit figure body skin in Idol skin tone
Arm. Armpit, and Leg Hair: Arm Hair 02 and Leg Hair 02 from Samurai (I bought this for free using free Samurai store credit from a previous Shop and Hop event)
Fingernails: Purec Nature Nails Male (free group gift; group is free to join; they come with a fingernail alpha)
Toenails: Purec Nature Nails Male (free group gift; group is free to join; they come with a toenail alpha)
Shape: My own, playing with the face, head, and body sliders to match up with internet pictures of Shane Hollander/Hudson Willaims (still a work-in-progress, but I am extremely happy with this result).
Animation Overide: Tuty’s sLIFE Free Male AO (free)
Shorts: Arcback Shorts Blue – Legacy Basic (free; I believe I picked these up at the new Avatar Shopping Island here).
Underwear: Hardcore (HD013BS) Men’s Basic Briefs in black or grey, depending on the picture (I bought these for free using free Hardcore store credit from a previous Shop and Hop event).
I still have bad days, days where I sleep for 16 hours, and days where all I seem to be able to do is listen to music and cry, but they are getting fewer and further between. And, in between the bad days, I am also having some great days. I just need to take things one day at a time, one step at a time.
Grief is not linear; it comes in waves. A song will bring back a memory, and the memory might bring back more tears. The afghan that my mother crocheted, that used to be in her bedroom, now adorns my sofa. Her cookbook now sits on my microwave. My brother is bringing me three framed needlepoint canvases she stitched, along with the urn with her ashes, to be interred privately at a cemetery here in Winnipeg at the end of the month. (Although I disagreed with her decision, she insisted that she did not want a funeral service of any kind.)
And, for some reason, I asked for my mother’s pin tin: her hinged, metal British sweets tin (Meggeson Glycerine & Blackcurrant Pastilles), containing her much-used dressmaking pins, with their brightly-coloured heads which had so fascinated me as a child. God knows what I would ever use them for; I don’t even own a sewing machine. But it was some small part of her that I remembered: sitting on the bed in her bedroom, almost sixty years ago. pushing the coloured pins into her green chenille bedspread to make patterns. It’s funny, the things you remember.
I mentioned that I have been listening to music, digging up old playlists I had created in previous decades and carted over wholesale to Apple Music. One song led me down a rabbit hole, and I discovered that a singer whom I had grown up with, and listened to a lot as a teenager, had released a new album this year (do they even call them albums anymore? God, I feel like a dinosaur🦕🦖).
Anyway, the lyrics in the title track of the “album” spoke to me this evening:
Coming out of the dark Coming out of this cave It’s taken me months of days and years To find my way My face in the mirror doesn’t look the same But I recognize a light in my eyes That never did fade And I’m gonna find Yeah find and revive The me that remains
Life cut me wide open When my head hit the ground Wasn’t my time for dying Guess my soul just stuck around And out of this wreckage I’m beginning to claim The gifts in the healing And the me that remains
—The Me That Remains, Amy Grant (2026)
Like most queer people, I have had a complicated and conflicted relationship with organized religion. Depending on what day you ask me, I’m either agnostic or atheist. But no matter what, I will still, always, carry a soft spot in my heart for Amy Grant.
One of the advantages of having a blog that is branded with your own name is that anything you write is topical. And today’s topic is grief, and how to navigate it. (Hey, my blog, my rules. This wouldn’t be the first time I got side-tracked, by the way.)
My psychiatrist’s instructions are simple. Focus on four things: sleeping, eating, showering, and going outside. Nothing else matters (however, we did agree to some time spent in Second Life 😉).
I have to give myself the time and space I need to grieve properly for my mother, and I have to respect that process, rather than diving heedlessly and headfirst into one of the many other projects that I have planned (like, say, working on my OER textbook about the metaverse, or decluttering and doing a thorough spring cleaning of my apartment, which currently resembles a Red Cross disaster area).
Eat. Sleep. Shower. And go outside. (And Second Life, which is helping me stay sane because it gives me a sense of control, something which is notably absent from many aspects of my real life). I have been listening to the following song a lot.
I also find myself crying a lot, at inconvenient times, like in the middle of a performance of Jesus Christ Superstar at Rainbow Stage (which led to me making a weepy exit at intermission, with an apology text later broadcast to my friend group, who no doubt wondered where the fuck I went). I have been trying to push myself to do “normal” things, like go to friend’s 60th birthday parties and Rainbow Stage musicals, and I land up leaving early because frankly, I am exhausted, and I am a mess. But I know that I won’t be an exhausted mess forever.
Sometimes I put on a list of sad/grieving songs from Apple Music, and listen, and sob. My psychiatrist doesn’t think that this is useful, but it seems to me to be a good way to get some of those trapped feelings out. I, who normally take such great pride in my ability to wordsmith a sentence, or explain a complicated process or idea in a way that is easy to understand, am utterly flummoxed by my inability to articulate what is going on inside my brain right now. I struggle to find the words, and sometimes, all that comes out is tears, and more tears. So I lay down on the sofa, wrap myself in an afghan crocheted by my mother (an orange-and-yellow design that simply screams 1970s), and weep. Here are two of those songs which I weep to (be sure to click the CC to see the subtitles/closed captioning of the lyrics on the first video; the second one already includes the lyrics on screen).
So that’s kind of where I am right now. Sleep. Shower. Eat. Weep. Go outside. Do something in Second Life. Repeat as necessary until I feel like a human being again. Yes, I do have people to talk to (both professionals and friends, including an active listening service which I still use regularly, although we now tend to talk via Discord rather than meet up as avatars in Second Life). And yes, eventually, I will venture out and engage with people again in my social networks, and initiate outings and events.
Not tonight. And not this week. But soon. There will come a day, a day that is better than today.
