Tag: Grief

Navigating Grief: Eat. Sleep. Shower. Go Outside. (And Second Life.)

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

One of the advantages of having a blog that is branded with your own name is that anything you write is topical. And today’s topic is grief, and how to navigate it. (Hey, my blog, my rules. This wouldn’t be the first time I got side-tracked, by the way.)

My psychiatrist’s instructions are simple. Focus on four things: sleeping, eating, showering, and going outside. Nothing else matters (however, we did agree to some time spent in Second Life 😉).

I have to give myself the time and space I need to grieve properly for my mother, and I have to respect that process, rather than diving heedlessly and headfirst into one of the many other projects that I have planned (like, say, working on my OER textbook about the metaverse, or decluttering and doing a thorough spring cleaning of my apartment, which currently resembles a Red Cross disaster area).

Eat. Sleep. Shower. And go outside. (And Second Life, which is helping me stay sane because it gives me a sense of control, something which is notably absent from many aspects of my real life). I have been listening to the following song a lot.

I also find myself crying a lot, at inconvenient times, like in the middle of a performance of Jesus Christ Superstar at Rainbow Stage (which led to me making a weepy exit at intermission, with an apology text later broadcast to my friend group, who no doubt wondered where the fuck I went). I have been trying to push myself to do “normal” things, like go to friend’s 60th birthday parties and Rainbow Stage musicals, and I land up leaving early because frankly, I am exhausted, and I am a mess. But I know that I won’t be an exhausted mess forever.

Sometimes I put on a list of sad/grieving songs from Apple Music, and listen, and sob. My psychiatrist doesn’t think that this is useful, but it seems to me to be a good way to get some of those trapped feelings out. I, who normally take such great pride in my ability to wordsmith a sentence, or explain a complicated process or idea in a way that is easy to understand, am utterly flummoxed by my inability to articulate what is going on inside my brain right now. I struggle to find the words, and sometimes, all that comes out is tears, and more tears. So I lay down on the sofa, wrap myself in an afghan crocheted by my mother (an orange-and-yellow design that simply screams 1970s), and weep. Here are two of those songs which I weep to (be sure to click the CC to see the subtitles/closed captioning of the lyrics on the first video; the second one already includes the lyrics on screen).

So that’s kind of where I am right now. Sleep. Shower. Eat. Weep. Go outside. Do something in Second Life. Repeat as necessary until I feel like a human being again. Yes, I do have people to talk to (both professionals and friends, including an active listening service which I still use regularly, although we now tend to talk via Discord rather than meet up as avatars in Second Life). And yes, eventually, I will venture out and engage with people again in my social networks, and initiate outings and events.

Not tonight. And not this week. But soon. There will come a day, a day that is better than today.

My blog will still be on hiatus for a while.

A Memorial to My Mother

My mother recently passed away in her local community hospital, surrounded by her family. She was 87 years old, married to my father for almost 25 years before he suddenly died, and then remarried for another 29 years. She lived a good, long life, long enough to have two of her great-grandchildren sit in her lap. I was able to talk with her before she died, to tell her I loved her. She told me she loved me, and was proud of the man that I have become. We may have had our disagreements but we achieved closure before she passed away.

I have found that navigating through grief can be a very difficult process, one I am still working through.

I have one special Second Life alt (alternate avatar), because she bears my mother’s name, Karin (the German form of the English name Karen). As a little child she became a refugee in the messy aftermath of World War II, and eventually her widowed mother (my grandmother) married a man who brought his new family over to Canada when she was still a young girl, who didn’t speak any English.

I inherited from Karin my creativity (as expressed here in Second Life) as well as her well-honed sense of humour (which I also express here in SL!). I also got from her my distinctive, piercing laugh; you can immediately tell exactly where I am sitting in a crowded (movie or play) theatre, once the first joke lands! As a child, I used to lie in bed and hear her absolutely scream with laughter at a funny television show like Carol Burnett.

So today Karin is an angel, a loose representation of what she would have looked like as a young woman in the 1960s, when I was born. The retro hairstyle is available as a free gift (in the blonde colour HUD only) at the WINGSDS booth at the ACCESS event on now; the style is called ER0526.

The head is GENUS , cobbled together from bits and pieces of the Margo Genus Morph L$88 head and head skin offer from a couple of years ago, and the more recent Limited Edition 2026 female Genus Morph head giveaway. To it, I added the Genus Morph beak nose, the same kind of nose that my mother had, and her grey-blue eyes. The angel dress and halo were gifts from the most recent round of the Doves Dream shopping event, and the wings I picked up for free using past Blueberry store credit. The body is Maitreya LaraX. The handheld candle is the gift from .Viki. booth at the SL23B Shop and Hop event, on now.

So, in a sense, this alt is my memorial to my mom.

I’m going to need to take some more time than I expected to heal; please bear with me. I am grieving, and I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Thank you for your patience.

UPDATED! Coronavirus Pandemic: What You Are Feeling Is Grief (And What You Are Seeing Is Plagiarism)

I make no secret of the fact that I have been struggling emotionally during the coronavirus pandemic, which is why I found the following five-minute YouTube video to be comforting. Psychologist Dr. Sarb Johal tweeted it with the following comment:

We feel the world has changed, and it has. The loss of normalcy; the fear of economic toll; the loss of connection. This is hitting us and we’re grieving. Collectively. Here’s what’s going on and what you can do.

Now, this is not something that I haven’t already heard from my psychiatrist and other people. But there’s just something about the way Dr. Johal puts it.

If, like me, you are struggling, you need to set aside five minutes and watch this:

Thank you, Dr. Sarb Johal! I thought the least I could so is repost this video, since at the moment it has a criminally low 44 views! So get out there and share this. Thanks!

UPDATE 10:45 p.m.: One of my regular blog readers, Brinlea, just shared with me the following article from the Harvard Business Review: That Discomfort You’re Feeling Is Grief, an interview with renowned grief expert David Kessler (thanks, Brinlea!).

Hmmm, this article was written March 23rd, over three weeks ago, and Dr. Johal posted his YouTube video just six hours ago. And the HBR article is pretty much the exact script of what Dr. Johal said in his YouTube video, right down to the examples used. Even the text of Dr. Johal’s tweet (which I quoted up top) is lifted verbatim from the article.

Hmmm… I think at the very least, the good doctor should have credited where he got his information from. Read the Harvard Business Review article and then watch Dr. Johal’s video and you’ll see what I mean. And I wouldn’t even have known about it if it weren’t for Brinlea.

So I will take back my earlier praise. This is still useful information, engagingly imparted, but this is also plagiarism. Dr. Johal basically lifted, almost verbatim, what David Kessler said in his interview with the Harvard Business Review. As a librarian who teaches proper citation style to university students, this is a major no-no.

Not impressed. If you’re going to steal another person’s words, then have the guts to cite your sources. (Do not fuck with the librarians, we will catch you out!)

And if you are looking for some properly cited sources of information about mental health during the pandemic, here is a blogpost I keep updated—to which I have now added two excellent articles from the Harvard Business Review.